The Anger Effect

Buddha says,”Holding onto anger is like picking up a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone, yet you’re the one that gets burned.” This is a quote I have said and thought about often over the past two years. Or at least from whenever I first read it. My memory in regards to time isn’t the best. Right now, I’m on vacation in South Carolina with my family however. Today I took a walk along the beach by myself. I know for awhile now I’ve been avoiding my own company and conversations that my mind wants to have with me. There’s a lot of painful stuff up there right now that wants addressed. I’ve stayed busy in order to not address it. I know I’m not alone in this feeling. It’s a pretty natural defense mechanism that “helps” us keep order in our daily mundane tasks. Eventually it rears it’s ugly head though. I promise you that. I promise also i’ll share my vulnerability with you as you can probably resonate with some of it.

So while I was walking along the beach I set my mind free. I lowered my wall and didn’t look for any distractions and just watched as the thoughts and feelings deep inside me came forth. The mixture of emotions was potent, creating a cocktail that I didn’t realize was so poisonous to my being- mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically. As I watched my emotions dance in my head there were feelings of regret, feelings of deep sadness, feelings of inadequacy, and most of all anger. In my spirit, I could feel the anger seething through me. I haven’t really noticed how angry I’ve been inside because it hadn’t burst forth through me yet, but it’s there. I’ve done a good job of covering it up.

The anger that I’m currently feeling is tied to my desire for the past to have been different. I just got out of a two year relationship that was honestly my best yet. Her and I went through a lot of shit together. Personally for each of us and then the death of my sister,stef(mina’s sister in law), and then covid. As I look back I see all these forks in the road where I chose poorly. I chose anger at so many of those turns instead of the deep introspection i possess. I gave in to egoic defense instead of immense vulnerability. I’m upset I chose that. I’m angry that I let anger get the best of me. I’m angry that I wasn’t more transparent and vulnerable with my feelings. Im angry that I’m in pain and I’ve caused pain. Yeah, you get it, I’m angry.

As I walked along the beach I could see how the anger has been affecting me. In my daily interactions it has stolen the joy of speaking with people which I typically love. It has made me distant and shielded. It has made me want to pull away from people that I love and that love me as well. It gets hard sometimes not to throw the pity party that I know would be off the hook. I want to beat myself up for all these mistakes instead of resolve to learn from them. My spirit just wants to feel bad and in turn it will affect me in the other spheres of my life.

And that’s the anger effect illustrated with my own story. Sometimes we let anger build up in us until it bursts forth or it slowly starts sapping our happiness. We think we are doing the right thing by ignoring it. We justify it with,” I have so much else to be doing. It’s really not that deep.” And the worst one we tell ourselves is “I’ll get over it in time.”Cause the truth is time isn’t what heals us. Time will help us bury it away. It is only through our direction interaction with our anger, hurt, or suffering that we can actually find ways to heal it. And if we don’t heal it, we continue to hurt. The baggage of emotional weight becomes more and more and as it becomes more and more the less we want to interact with people that love us, the less positive our self talk becomes, the more drained we feel, and eventually those emotions will harden onto us. They will harden onto us like the plaque onto teeth until it becomes all but impossible to scrape away and maybe has already left some permanent damage.

Maybe you’re not angry like I am currently, but I guarantee that you have been or will be. Maybe there’s some emotions that you need to let forth and if so I suggest that you let them. Don’t judge the emotions that come forth. Our judgements against ourselves and others stifle us. We as humans are capable of feeling such a mixture of emotions that it’s incredible. Just analyze the emotions as they come. Find the truth in them and find the root of them before they can harden you or affect the relationships in your life. Journal, talk to a friend, do something for yourself, there’s many things you can do to help dissipate those feelings.

Don’t expect the anger to go away over night. I’m still angry, but today I faced some of that anger and I let it be felt and acknowledged. I will have to continue acknowledging it and honoring my feelings, but eventually I will let this anger go. It doesn’t serve the happy life that i want. It doesn’t make me a better Thadeus. And anything that doesn’t serve me and fulfill me must be let go eventually. And for the record, letting it go isn’t synonymous with not learning from it first and what you could have done better in whatever situation or event you were in.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes to chew on. It’s about when we chose anger over love and what happens to us.

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it in tact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable , impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the perturbations of love is Hell.”- C.S. Lewis “The Four Loves”