Look for the Light Posts

The moment I finished typing my previous blog I knew this one would be next. I believe everything happens for a reason and with 2020 being one of the darker years in awhile we need people and things that shine a brighter light. If you haven’t read the first blog(first blog), it spoke of the darkness that had enshrouded my adolescent life. The depression, feelings of extreme inadequacy, and no self worth consumed me in my early years, leaving me unable to see a way forward after my mom died at age 12. Darkness, negativity, grief, depression are all shades of suffering that none of us will avoid while living, for to live is to suffer until enlightenment is attained. We all deal with darkness although not in the same ways. This is fact. I knew after sharing my darkness in the previous blog I needed to follow up and speak on how Light and Love were reignited in my life. How does one get back to a happy place when happiness seems impossible? When we are in the darkest of places and afraid to go into our own blacked out caves to face whatever monsters that lay lurking it’s always the light we must look for and that will ultimately pull us through. We are our own shining light towers, but it takes years of practice and mental rewiring to see the light in ourselves typically. so let’s talk about seeing the external light posts first.

I remember sitting in my history class in high school circa 2010. Mr. Cavanaugh was the man and an incredible teacher. He would regularly lead us into deep discussions about what was going on in the world. At the time, civil war was raging in some middle eastern countries. We would watch short Vice News articles displaying the atrocities. People were poorer than poor and living on less than fifty cents a day. Kids would pass by buildings blown up from bombs as they walked to school. Some kids would never make it to school, because they were killed by these very bombs. Parents wailing as they hold the pieces of their children.. When these things registered in my mind I wondered, “How do these people keep going? Their kids are being killed, they are dirt poor, there is no end of violence and promise of prosperity in sight. What is there to live for?”…and such a beautiful epiphany occurred to me. The beauty of being human is that we all wake up every day believing that today could be better than the day before. Humans all over the world have been dealt incredibly shitty hands worse than most of us can even imagine yet each day they wake up believing today can be better. That they can make it better. You wake up believing that today can be better too. There is an intrinsic flame in us all that may waiver, but 99% of the time that flame never goes out. That’s the light that exists in our soul and comes built in to our human experience.

I won’t rehash it much, but for those of you who didn’t read the last blog my mom passed when I was 12. Her death was followed by many more close family members and my best friend, Ben Elo. My father wasn’t home often and we didn’t have much of a relationship. So that was my darkness followed by a second dose of darkness that I gave myself through the stories of how I wasn’t good enough. When my mom died a void was left that was incomprehensibly large. I felt worthless to anyone and wondered if anyone cared that I existed. Who thought of me when they went to bed at night? Who would care if i entered the void as well? It got really dark in my head space.

See, when darkness comes to visit us it’s not always bad that we sit with it. We exist in duality- There’s light and darkness in all of us and each must be recognized, honored, and accepted to understand our human nature better. There are times though when that darkness doesn’t just sit with us. We let darkness latch onto us, and it becomes part of our identity. That darkness then can morph us and change us. We begin to reconcile reality through the filter of our darknesses when they become a part of us. It can surround our intrinsic flame of Light until we can’t see why we are here and what our purpose is. I want you to think about what darkness you have allowed to latch onto you. Did something happen that stole your happiness? Is there a person that you can’t forgive? Have you given your life to fear and security from past traumas that keep you from living in the now and opening your vulnerable heart so that people can love you? Did someone die and you can’t see the way forward? I promise you friends everyone of you has an answer to this. We all suffer. So when we are in despair and feel beyond repair how do we find our way back to the light? We look for the light posts.

Thadeus, What do you mean look for the light posts? What I mean is that in our gravest times and deepest despair God, the universe, a higher power, a benevolent omniscient being that you are a part of is trying to show you the way. He/she/it is always giving you at least a flicker of a flame, light posts, to find your way back if you will tune in. Ya’ll, when my mom died I thought all goodness had been erased. I felt so worthless, so unloved, and maybe if I died i would be able to look down and at least see if anyone cared. When we are consumed in darkness that’s all we see. If you have been there or are there right now, you know the weight that lies on your soul. You feel paralyzed in fear to make any changes because even after awhile darkness and fear can become comfortable places in contrast to delving into the unknown. There at least isn’t any further chances of pain if you don’t try anything new. If we don’t try though and give into darkness the world loses out on your beautiful soul and the unique gifts that only you can bring into the world. In that darkness we have to look up from the ground and look around us. There is always light trying to penetrate back into our souls. And that light can be anything. It can be your dog nudging you in your grief. It can be a song on the radio. It can be a person. It can be an event. A movie. The blueness of the sky and the green-ness of the grass. When you feel paralyzed this is how you begin to fight the darkness.

The first light post isn’t ever the one you see. The first light post is you decided your’e at least willing to look for a way out. You, yourself have to open the door a bit to the idea things can be better. That minuscule shift in perspective is enough to turn a spark into a flame. The second light post I was able to see barely flickered. It was in the form of my dog Elijah. At my lowest moments this dog would jump on my bed and shove his snout between my arms and face and lick me till i stopped crying. This creature loved me in any condition. That was a reminder of some sort of goodness desperately needed. My third light post was my brother William. When I was 12, William was 20. Because my parents had joint custody and William left for college I never really saw much of him. We weren’t tightly knit and hadn’t developed much of a brotherly relationship. I ended up moving into William’s mom’s(Karen) house where William would live for the summers when he wasn’t at IU. He took a vested interest in the condition of my heart and shared his light with me. Then it was my head football coach being a role model for me. Then it was William’s mom’s husband, Mick, who became a father to me. As I got from one light post to the next the darkness would slowly recede. Each light post was a reminder of the goodness that exists in this world and with each light post I became a brighter light also for those around me. I went from fearful and worthless to seeing the best of things. I suffered so I could grow. I suffered so I could learn gratitude. I suffered so I could help others suffering. The list is vast. As these light posts kept appearing I knew that a power greater than I can understand was rooting for me. After years of light posts, i realized- what buried me in the darkness was the light to show me how powerful and capable I am. It’s okay if you’re not there yet. This journey is not linear, but if you keep looking for the light posts you’ll see these things didn’t happen to you. They happened for you. This is one of the most powerful perspective shifts you can make in your life.

I don’t personally know you my dear reader, but I know that I wrote this for you. I know the darkness that I went through was to be a light for you and anyone else who needs a light post to guide them. There’s always a reason why we go through darkness and the only place you’ll find the answer is in the Light. You won’t be able to look back and understand that darkness until you’re standing in contrast of it. And once you do understand it you’ll become a Light tower for those who could benefit from your story. So many of us are fed up with 2020. It has been a wild year and darkness runs rampant in divisiveness, anxiety, depression, etc. Please take care of your own light. Keep it bright! And if you have excess energy share your Light with others. Be someone’s Light post

So knowing these things now I challenge you to look into any darkness you might have whether that’s death, abandonment, self esteem issues, insecurities, sexual assault, and/or any other traumas. Begin to look for a way out of that darkness, because it is holding you back from sharing your most authentic self and deepest vulnerability with people. It’s in those spaces that we will find the most Light and the energy to heal our pain. If you care to share your story or what you’ve gotten from this blog feel free to tag @loveheals_apparelll on Instagram or @lovehealsbrand on twitter and tag #lookforthelightposts.

As always, I deeply Love you all. I thank you and appreciate you for letting me share with you. <3