Growth Fueled By Self-Love

I’ve always found the resilience of the human spirit to be something worthy of our perpetual awe and fascination. Everywhere in the world we all wake up despite our circumstances, obstacles, hardships, and deep sufferings hoping and believing that today can be different. Isn’t that pretty incredible? It points to this internal flame we all have that is intrinsically burning the flame of optimism. You might even see yourself as a cynic or pessimist, but are you really? If so, I beg the question what motivates you to wake up and continue the wild journey we call life? See, we all believe into “today is a chance for things to be better. “Why though? What else is intrinsic in our nature? It’s the desire to grow. We are hoping for growth whether it’s financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, in our relationships, the hobbies we purse, and onward. Growing is an axiom of human existence and it’s an area where we should learn the best ways to nurture that growth and propel ourselves forward. There’s a quote from the Dhammapada that I want to share before we tackle forming a positive growth mindset. 

“As from a heap of flowers many garlands can be made, so you, with your mortal life, should do many skillful things.”

The Pada is pointing out a crucial aspect of humanity. We are constantly looking to grow in all facets, but growth ain’t easy. We so often have this misperception that growth should be a straight shot upwards. The truth is our growth is messy, and probably Mr. Clean couldn’t clean it up in one go. It’s a winding road that goes up and down and sometimes requires us walking backwards from where we came to take a new road that will get us where we are going. We beat ourselves up when we feel like we fall short which does everything except help us grow. The victimization of ourselves only hinders our ability to do better.  It depresses our spirit, our drive, and our ability to continue our growth. Why do we choose to feel this way? I believe we choose to feel the disappointment in ourselves, because it’s our programming. So really, if we aren't aware of it, it’s not even an active choice. We live the way those did before us. It’s our job to break through that programming and rewire. When we have failed, others have told us they expected better, or we didn’t do well enough, or that we needed to double down and do better. That part of you…IS NOT YOU. It’s a time’s past idea of how the people before us approached growth. It isn’t bad that others help hold us to expectations, but the phrasing, the expression of disappointment, the low vibrations dealt out, in my opinion, is archaic. Instead of someone pushing us back down the mountain with bad energy we really need a push in the back to help us keep climbing. The previous generation’s way is outdated and doesn’t honor or empathize with how hard it is to achieve growth. This is where Love Heals in this regard.

This year has been an immense year of growth for me, and it’s also been one of the hardest years I’ve ever had. Growth often correlates to being uncomfortable, going through the darkness to find the light, and battling the preprogramming we have picked up earlier in life. Growth is an uphill battle where we sometimes gain ground and sometimes have to give it. I don’t know about you, but I hateeee giving ground. It’s felt like worthlessness, mediocrity, and a failure to fulfill self-made expectations. Until this year. My increasing meditation on Love and rationality has swayed me into a better place about giving ground. I’ve found sometimes walking backwards has given me a larger panoramic view with which to see the path forward. And for me, that feels like an epiphany.

This year I saw traumas I thought long past sneak back up on me. This year I saw versions of myself that I detest so wholeheartedly. I felt anger that pulsed my forehead and I said words to people I love that went off like an atom bomb rippling pain across a wide breadth of land and lasting as long as radiation. At times, I sincerely felt like I was losing my mind. This year I dived into owning a construction business that made me feel like an impostor. I didn’t expect any of these things, and the weight sometimes led me to that place of self-defeat, victimization, and intense self-doubt that filled me with anxiety. I was working off my preprogramming, and it was keeping me from growth. I know we all have felt that. Where we can feel the universe pushing ourselves towards something, we don’t feel ready for and the chaos of unknown territory that ensues. So, what do we do about it?

We practice Love for ourselves. We should practice Love for ourselves as we would a friend so we don’t slide further down the mountain than we should. Maybe some of us don’t know how to do that. Not all of us have had a good representation of what Love looks like. The best relationship we should have is the one that we have with ourselves. The subconscious mind wants us to go off of all our preprogramming and keep us “safe”. It’s the voice that says, “Don’t go out there. It’s scary”. The conscious mind needs to be the best friend that says,” It’s okay I’ll go with you.” The conscious mind needs to constantly bolster our current growth seeking selves by giving reassurance, guidance, grace, non-judgement, acceptance, empathy, compassion, and kindness. Just as we would do for any of our close friends or family. This is how we grow new leaves and branches. It’s when we employee every branch of Love towards the nurturement of our growth. What’s that look like?

Here’s a scenario where we can see it in action. Two years ago, I made a decision I told myself in previous years I never thought I’d make. And when the rubber met the road I made that decision that I never thought I would. It has been something that has plagued me and twisted my gut something awful. It’s my only regret. The want to punish myself for it feels overwhelming sometimes, and it’s an area I’ve consistently been working on the rewiring of my mind. These are the ways I use the different branches in my self talk.

Reassurance-“I know you aren’t happy you made that decision, but sometimes you fall short. Everyone does. After having this experience you have learned so much more about yourself. It’s a good thing you are learning from this instead of shirking from it. I’m proud of you.

Grace-“No human can know everything. You didn’t know you’d feel this way. You are still worth the same intrinsic amount before you made this decision and always will be. It’s okay.”

Empathy-“I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I know this sucks right now and doesn’t feel good. I will sit with you in this and hold space.”

Non-judgement- “I still accept you as you are and love you the same. Life is not black and white and I’m not the arbiter of right and wrong. I give you the space to work through it as I know you’re capable of doing the introspective work necessary to learn from this.”

Those are a few real examples of how I talk with myself. It feels crazy vulnerable sharing this with y’all, and I can’t explain how helpful this has been. It really is working on the relationship with myself and becoming my own best friend. And in turn, it has made me an even better friend to others. I know it would do the same for you.

Any sort of growth we pursue is hard, and we are very drawn to beat ourselves up like bees are to honey. It’s something every single person is guilty of. I’m not saying changing the way you react to setbacks to your growth is going to knock out the downcurves, but it will prevent you from knocking yourself down any further than the setback or obstacle that’s already being experienced. This savings of energy and a positive mindset will propel you further in your journey of growth then you have previously experienced before. Just think about how much quicker our growth could be if we didn’t give energy to feeling negative towards ourselves and we used it towards reorienting and getting back on the path to where we are getting to! Watch your growth increase dramatically as you become your own best friend and cheerleader. You’ll reach places you didn’t know you could. I want that for all of us. Love you Fam !